


he who cries

by kwitegay



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol, Alex is sad and Tired, Alex is trying to get better, Cigarettes, Depression, Developing Relationship, Drunk Kisses, Fear of Abandonment, Figuring out Labels, Fraser likes watching everything unfold, Friends to Lovers, Gay Rights, James and George aka the supportive besties!, Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexual Content, Softness, Tags to be added, Vulnerability, Will loves him dearly, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-02-29 12:27:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18778285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwitegay/pseuds/kwitegay
Summary: " Alex watches the rain scatter across the street below, ash of his cigarette falling with the drips.He can't tell if what's dripping down his face are tears or the rain, but he wipes his face all the same. Will. He needed Will. "or, Alex is struggling with both mental health and falling in love with Will.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> other chapters will be much longer!!!

 Alex watched as the dark smoke of the cigarette faded into the cloudy London night. 

He takes in a deep breath, taking a moment to reflect on everything he hates about what he sees. The half smoked cigarette pinched between his pointer and middle finger, pale hands almost completely hidden by the hoodie he hadn't taken off for three days. 

Didn't have time to shower today - he had time to film, edit, and take smoke breaks. That had begun to take most of his time. His legs are covered in track paints, hanging loosely on his hips, covering half of his sock clad feet.

He looked like a failed uni-student, and the thought amuses him until he realizes that's exactly what he's turned into, the smile that had not even appeared dies off his lips. 

"Alex, mate," George says from behind him, his voice seeming all too loud to Alex. Voices in general had become something that bothered him, a deep seeded irritation under his skin. It itched at him as George keeps talking, "Alex."

"Yeah?" Alex mumbles, then louder "I can hear you."

George stands beside him, leaning his elbows onto the balcony's railing, "Didn't realize this was becoming a regular thing," He attempts at small talk, motioning towards the stick clutch between his fingers. 

Alex shrugs tightly, "Coping, I guess," He hits the cigarette until it tastes funny, realizing he hit the filter, and discards it in the ashtray behind him. He realizes then he doesn't like how little room is on this balcony - between the two torn chairs and the glass table to George standing too close to him, he feels small. Too small. 

"How many have you had today?" George asks, careful, like Alex could lash out at any moment. 

"Piss off," Alex spits, almost proving George's point. 

He leaves him there, after that, walking through the flat with George no doubt annoyed and possibly hurt. 

Everything feels like too much. Everything. From the plush carpet under his feet to the light coming from under George's door, where he had abandoned editing to come check on Alex. 

He feels a tinge of guilt, then, that George was making such an effort. He had been the past few weeks, and all Alex could muster is a few tight lipped smiles and harsh words. 

Guilt wouldn't stop him from those fake senses of security - won't stop his smoking, either. 

It was an unhealthy habit he didn't like to share with many people, and it started off just a few now and again. 

He stops in the bathroom to take a gaze at his appearance. Tufts of uncut hair sticks in every direction, the dark circles under his eyes dragging down. Everything is so _down_. He runs a finger over the crevices in the eye bags, through his greasy hair, to the back of his neck. 

He could feel scabs he'd itched off anxiously decorating his neck and he subconsciously goes to tear off a piece of skin that feels a little unnatural but yanks his hand away with an almost scolding look into the mirror. Stop it, he thinks, don't need any more bad habits. 

He flips off the light of the bathroom, eyes lingering on his sad reflection before he leaves. George is in his room now, Alex supposes as he passes the door, hearing annoyed mumbling from the other side. He would never understand why George puts up with him - especially when he's in the mood he is in right now.

He googles 'depressive spiral' when he gets to his room, and all the symptoms are there and present. He shuts his laptop. Opens it again. Curses. 

He hears a ding and looks at his phone with disinterest, turning it over with a sigh. 

> **Will:** mate
> 
> you need a night out dont you
> 
> text me
> 
> nonce

Alex feels a smile tap at his lips as he hums, considering. As much as he desperately didn't want to leave his cocoon of dimness and cigarettes, he could use a night to get shitfaced and act stupid with friends - it was also Will asking and, well, he'd do anything for that boy. 

> **Alex:** could use that, actually.

Alex regrets his decision almost the second they walk into the club, the music is blasting so the walls shake and the lights are flashing purple and blue, "I wanna go home, mate."

Will chuckles at his side, wrapping a solid arm around his shoulders, "We've been here for thirty seconds, c'mon, lighten up. Maybe you could pull tonight as well!"

Alex scoffs, fingers picking at the strings on his sleeve, "Let's get a drink, can we?"

When they're at the bar Alex immediately reaches out to touch the counter, the cool wood grounding him in a way as he orders two shots of vodka. 

Will's arm stays around him and that attaches him a bit to reality as well

the feeling of his thumb softly massaging his arm was nice. Really nice. He slams down both the shots and turns to Will with a wince, rubbing his temples.

"Oh, god, why did I let you drag me here," He groans, feeling Will's hand ruffle through his hair.

"C'mon Al, loosen up! You've been working so hard lately. We could dance, or you could pull a lovely guy or gal," He teases, to which Alex shakes his head.

"No, definitely not," He huffs a laugh, "But we can dance, I guess."

Will drags him to a part of the dance floor that's populated but not overly crowded. At first Alex feels nervous, not having been out in a while, but he can feel intoxication tickling at him and he decides fuck it.

He dances like an idiot, laughing with Will and wanting to be closer to him. Wanting in a way that made him to it, reaching to grab his hand and swaying stupidly.

Will smiles at him, twirling him around and pulling him close. Alex can tell he's drunk - and he knows Will get's very gay while hammered - but oh how Alex wants to kiss him.

He doesn't get a chance, because Will's lips are already on his and he's wobbling from surprise, fingers latching onto the collar of his jacket and desperately trying to hold on to the feeling.

Will tastes like beer and mint - a stark contrast to what Alex can only assume his lips are like (tobacco and vodka). Kissing him makes every bit of Alex's worries wash away for a moment, when Will is gripping at his hips and giggling against his lips.

It's nice, so nice, but Alex knows he'll end up regretting letting himself become vulnerable.

Will's eyes are hazy and happy; he's quickly dragging him to the bar for another drink and Alex thinks that his hangover is going to be the death of him.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex knows he's right - after a while of being James' friend you learn that whether you like it or not, he's usually right and knows what's best for you. It was a knowledge glaring him in the face, he needed to talk to Will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was mainly me playong with the dynamics that these three have with Alex - actual plot will happen soon along with relationship development ! yay!

"Hello everyone," Alex starts the live video, hoodie pulled up to his chin and eyes watching the number of people trickle up from 0 to 400.

He waits a few seconds, thinking, before he continues, "I don't wanna be someone who cries on live - or exposes too many emotions because that's dangerous but," he swallows, "I feel like I'm dying."

He takes his eyes off the phone, the comments about him looking tired already overwhelming. "I feel like sometimes life is a game, and at this point I'm - I'm _losing_ , if that makes sense? Like I'm level one and all these quests keep besting me."

He runs a hand through his hair, noting that the people in the live had grown to 600 and they were all saying words of concern and support. "This was ... not my best idea, gotta be real with you," he says with a tight smile, "I should go - I'm gonna go."

He ends it without a second thought, laying down and dropping his phone onto his chest. "Fuck," he mumbles, then louder, "Fuck _this_."

He hears a knock on the door, solid and worried, "Alex, mate, can I open the door?"

Alex shuts his eyes, quick and tight, and replies with a confirmation. George stands in the doorway, careful and calculating like he usually does.

"Need something?" Alex asks, sitting up and trying to make his voice less hostile and more protecting of himself.

"Alex," George breathes, fiddling with his sleeve and pursing his lips, "Saw your live. Please man I'm - I'm worried about you."

"Don't be," Alex tries to smile, "I'm fine I promise-"

"Enough with the bullshit," George says, voice not filled with malice but instead, desperation. "I want to help you, you're my best friend for godsake, god knows you annoy the shit out of me but you've been like this for _weeks_ and no one knows how to help!"

Alex feels speechless, the boy in his doorway is someone he recognizes and loves but can't seem to talk to without the walls separating them.

"Please, Al, please just talk to me."

He's never heard George like this, all upset and near tears, and Alex hates himself for causing him so much distress. He stands up, offering his first genuine smile to George in a while, "Can we - can we talk outside, maybe? Know you hate it but a cigarette would really help me feel better."

George nods thankfully and they walk to the balcony. It's raining, gently, and Alex leans over the railing.

"I need to know what's bothering you so much," George starts, taking his place besides him just like a few nights ago.

Alex watches the rain scatter across the street below, ash of his cigarette falling with the drips.

He can't tell if what's dripping down his face are tears or the rain, but he wipes his cheek all the same. Will. He needed Will. Will always made Alex feel more comfortable with wording his anxieties and issues, but they hadn't talked since their drunken kiss a few days ago, and Alex didn't have the courage to change that.

"I don't even know anymore," Alex laughs breathily, "Every day - every single day I wake up and I have to force myself to do anything, eat, drink, shower, film, it's such a drag and nothing I do seems to be enough."

He hits the cigarette, the taste beginning to feel a little gross on his teeth. George nods, "Alex I think... I think you should talk to someone - seriously, it might really help. And you have to know, I fucking care about you man, as much as that's hard to admit."

Alex chuckles, going to say something but George continues, "And it's not just me! Will too, and James and Fraser, and all your friends from other places and your subscribers - we want you to succeed, man. And that includes happiness."

Alex nods, "Thank you George. I think seeing someone would help I just - don't know how to get there?"

George shrugs, "We'll figure it out, man, but you gotta start being real with me, I keep feeling like I get the short end of the stick."

Alex stifles a smile, "Well you are pretty short."

George rolls his eyes, punching Alex in the arm with a laugh, "Yknow, might be hard to believe, but I like you better when you're being a little shit."

Alex chuckles and looks at George who was already smiling at him, all the support in the world in his eyes. He feels a swell in his chest, like maybe it would be okay.

He puts out his cigarette, a little more than half left, and slips it back in his almost empty pack, "Let's go inside, yeah? Maybe we can play some FIFA."

Alex wakes up the next morning, cheek pressed to his pillow and duvet pulled to his chin. The first thing he hears is laughter - not George's, but he recognizes it instantly. Will.

It makes his chest turn, and he can't tell if it's the inevitable gay feelings he'd developed for him or dread of remembering the kiss they shared.

Probably both.

When he walks into the living room, he makes eye contact with Will first - and his face immediately splits into a grin. Maybe he didn't remember?

"Alex! Good to see you!"

"Hey," He replies, yawning before he can finish his thought, "Didn't know you'd be here, mate."

"We're gonna film a video but we're procrastinating," George explains, kicking his legs onto the coffee table.

He nods. He feels a bit on the outside of it all - the amber sunlight casted a heavenly glow on the two boys, igniting their smiles. Alex himself stood in the shadows, and he falters.

"I need a cigarette," He mumbles, but Will looks at him in such a way he halts.

"Why don't you come sit?" He asks, patting the spot next to him with a soft smile. Alex feels weak.

George is looking at his phone so perhaps he doesn't notice the conversation the other two have with their eyes.

Will's lips are pursed and eyes gentle, like if he gazed at him too hard perhaps he would break.

Alex sits down, mouthing a 'thank you' to him. Maybe he didn't remember the kiss - maybe he did and just didn't want to. Either way his arm is around Alex again and he feels _safe_ , so safe it nearly makes him well up with tears.

George mumbles something about going to the bathroom and leaves the two alone - Will speaks, soft as usual and too close to Alex's ear, "I saw your live video. Wanted to text you but I'm quite bad at emotions."

"You're bad at them? That's my branding," Alex jokes, fingers digging into his knee as an attempt to feel okay.

"Alex, I-" Will starts, and when Alex turns he sees just how concerned he is. "You're one of my best mates, okay? I want you to be happy."

Alex feels something, a mix of being grateful for Will and a bit of sadness that 'best mates' is how he chose to describe them. "Yeah," Alex nods, "Thank you."

It's a bit overwhelming, he thinks, having two talks with his closest friends about the support and love they have for him, and it get's even more apparent when James finds him on the balcony that night.

"It's imallexx!" He announces, eyes sparkling from intoxication.

"Didn't know you were down here," Alex smiles as the man sits next to him against the wall.

"Cause you've been out here all night, you fucking disaster," James grins affectionately, sipping at his cup of miscellaneous liquor.

"Want a ciggy?" Alex asks, taking one out and handing one to James when he gets a 'sure'.

James looks at him a bit hopelessly when he holds it, cup in other hand, not wanting to put it down to light it. Alex rolls his eyes, lighting it for him and pulling his knees closer to his chest.

"Oh, bloody grim that is," James mumbles after a few hits of the cigarette, making Alex snort,

"Truly."

"You should stop."

"Probably."

They sit in silence for a few, "Alex, can I talk to you?"

"James," Alex sighs, "I've had far too many heart to hearts this week, please not another."

He looks at his friend who's lips are already pursed, eyebrows furrowed, but he understands. "Right and well," he nods, "I'm not one for the serious shit anyways. Was just gonna talk about how you need a shag!"

Alex laughs, shoving him in the arm and leaning his head against the brick apartments, "Well, we can't all be that lucky."

"When's the last time you pulled? Or even snogged someone?"

Alex's lips curl around a smile, avoiding James' eyes as he answers, "Few days ago, none of your business though."

"Was Will wasn't it?" James says through an exhale of smoke, making Alex sputter and choke on air.

"What?"

"Asked him the same question, he answered almost the exact same way. Long time coming if you asked me-"

"Piss off," Alex groans, covering his face with his hand, "Didn't even know he remembered that shit."

James hums a little, "He's been acting weird recently. Maybe you haven't realized because you've been an actual hermit - but he's been - how do I say, distant?"

Alex cocks his head to the side, considering, "Haven't noticed."

Will had always been a burst of light, he never took himself too seriously and was always smiling - out of anyone in the friend group, he's the least likely to be this way. Made it more concerning.

"You fancy him, don't you?" James asks, less a question and more an implication. "Talk to him."

Alex knows he's right - after a while of being James' friend you learn that whether you like it or not, he's usually right and knows what's best for you. It was a knowledge glaring him in the face, he needed to talk to Will.

They've been dancing around it for a while, walking a line between friends and something more, but the kiss, so hazy from alcohol and desire had set something off.

Things were changing, rapidly, and the walls Alex had been working so hard to build over the past few weeks seemed to crumbling around him, blowing away like the ash off his cigarette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are much appreciated!! im really enjoying writing this, i hope you enjoy reading!!


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out to be Fraser, all starry eyed and starry cheeked, freckles covered with a thick drunken blush. "Alexander," Fraser slurs, solidifying just how hammered he was.
> 
> "Alex," He corrects with a chuckle, "You're plastered."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for the late updates, ive been working on so many projects lately!! i have the next chapter mostly written already and this isnt as long as i want but, updates an update!

Any time Alex, Will, and alcohol mix, anxiety is there for the party as well.

The party, in this sense, was in James' house to celebrate his graduation. Alex was drunk enough to not feel his fingers and to have a headache tapping at his temples, but still be able to remember why Will made him so nervous.

He feels eyes on him, after scanning over the room he sees him, in all his square-jawed glory.  
He feels his cheeks warm and he offers a smile, lips twisted up and eyes nervous.

Will seemed dazed, looking at him so solidly it intimidated him, eyebrows furrowed, thinking.

He feels a hand clap down on his shoulders, breaking his battle with Will in favor of finding out who the hell is touching him.

Turns out to be Fraser, all starry eyed and starry cheeked, freckles covered with a thick drunken blush. "Alexander," Fraser slurs, solidifying just how hammered he was.

"Alex," He corrects with a chuckle, "You're plastered."

Fraser giggles, eyes going wide for a moment, "Mate, heard about you and Will -"

Alex cuts him off with a hand over the mouth and a stern 'Fraser'. The boy gasps, albeit a bit dramatically, and apologizes. He then opts to repeat the same sentence in a loud whisper.

"There is no me and Will," He replies curtly, to which Fraser snorts.

"Not yet there's not."

Annoying. Drunk Fraser is incredibly annoying. Alex rolls his eyes, plucking the drink from his friends hands, smelling it to note the alcohol content, and taking a large drink of it. He needed this. 

Fraser whines a complaint but ultimately disappears from his side, leaving Alex alone in a sea of bodies.

Is it possible to feel lonely in a group of people? Alex doesn't know. He feels something tickle at his fingertips, something hot and cold and overwhelming. 

The alcohol burns at his throat, matching the feeling constricting his chest with every inhale. 

He glances at Will again, breath catching in his throat when he sees him talking to James, all wide eyes and red cheeks, and all too quickly they're both looking at him. James' lips were twisted upwards and he gives Alex a wink - that fucking bastard. 

Will staggers over to him, pushing through the thicket of people to appear in front of Alex, smiling softly, "Can I - Can we talk?"

Alex feels a lump in his throat, so thick and uncomfortable he has to sip his drink to calm his nerves, "Yeah, sure."

Will falters for a second, glancing between him and his cup before he leans a bit closer, "Can we go up to mine? Little too loud in here."

Alex's first instinct is to say no, run away, chug the rest of his alcohol and pretend he was someone else. 

"Yeah, Sounds good," The words leave his lips before he can think twice, and suddenly Will is reaching for his hand. 

His fingers, long and slender, feel too perfect laced with his, warm and soft like the rest of him. 

He catches James and Fraser's eyes when he leaves, shooting them a glare as they grin. He hates them. 

They get into the hallway and Will untangles their fingers much to Alex's disdain, pressing the button for the lift and avoiding his eyes. 

The empty lift opens and Will allows him to go in first, following and clicking the button for his floor.

It's silent for a moment, deafeningly so, and Alex feels eyes on him. He tightens his hold on the red plastic cup which now was empty, looking back to the boy that confused him so. 

"You look pretty," Will says, hushed. He's about a foot away and Alex can't tell if it's too close or too far away, but when he steps closer it gets even more confusing. 

Alex swallows again, bravery surging through his chest and he grips the cup tighter so it's crumpled in his hand, turning towards him and admiring what he sees.

The neon amber light of the elevator makes Will's features look softer but more pronounced. He wets his lips, looking at Alex with such desire that he can feel it in his bones. 

It feels a bit like a movie, Alex thinks. Will steps closer, knuckles brushing across Alex's cheek, dropping to his chin to coax his gaze upwards. Alex's eyelashes flutter, head tilted up, lips parted and every part of him on fire. 

"Are you gonna kiss me?" Alex asks, lips hinting at a smile. 

Will flushes red, "Is that what you want me to do?"

Alex shrugs coyly, thanking whatever god might be out there for inventing liquid courage, "Maybe."

It's light at first, much different than the kiss they shared a few nights ago; a simple brush of the lips, a hand slipping from his chin to curl around the back of his neck.

Then, in seconds, Alex is being backed into the lift wall, feeling pliant as Will nips at his bottom lip. 

Alex wraps his arms around his neck, leaning up on his toes and prodding his fingers into the plastic of the cup, wobbling a little but Will holds him up, kissing him hard.   
They hear a ding, the door of the lift opening. They pull back, both breathless, searching each other's faces for any emotions positive or negative.

Will scurries back, chuckling nervously as he leaves the lift.

Alex follows, wiping his lips and clearing his throat. Will struggles to open the door, cursing quietly and glancing at Alex like he'll run away.   
The second the door is open it's already closing behind them, Alex hurrying to kiss him again.   
Will gasps against his lips but doesn't break it, shrugging off his jean jacket before threading his fingers through his hair. Alex whines gently, shivering under his fingertips. 

"Bedroom?" Alex mumbles against his lips and it takes Will a moment but he pulls back, nodding and dragging him away yet again.   
The nerves are still there and alive, but as Will closes the door and takes Alex in his arms again it all seems to dissolve. Safe. Will was so very very safe.

His back hits the bed, a soft bounce of duvet startling his mind and making him realize just what is happening.

It's quick, Will appearing over him, pupils blown wide with arousal and eyes flickering across Alex's face, "This is okay, right? Just wanna make sure, consent is important and all that - "

"Yes, Will," Alex cuts off, "This is more than okay."

Maybe it was the liquor, or the overwhelming reality that Will was something he wanted - and Alex didn't like to let go of what he wants.

So he pulls him in again, messily attaching their lips and trying to memorize everything; the feeling of Will's hands sliding under his shirt, lips on his neck - biting, pushing their hips together desperately.

In his drunken haze he can only remember so much, sensations becoming like snapshots with every breath.

Alex is sober enough to make out a few solid points of thought: One, he likes the way Will looks, messy hair sticking to his forehead and looking Alex up and down. Two, he likes the way Will sounds, throaty groans and soft gasps, air sucking between his lips when Alex touches him.

Three, he really likes the way Will feels. His fingers, sliding across him and tugging at his hair, stretching him open with the utmost care. His cock, slick with lube and pushing into him as his hands push Alex's thighs down, making him unravel.

Everything was too much and not enough at the same time, and Alex feels every nerve in his body fire off in a symphony of pleasure.

He likes the way Will sounds, looks above him, and feels inside him, and it's over too fast, cumming into Will's fist and him into Alex.

Soft whines escape his mouth as he realizes it's over, nails scratching across Will's shoulders, desperate to keep him close.

Will himself looks blissed out, eyes squeezed closed and panting above him. He's beautiful.

Alex threads his fingers through the hair on the back of Will's head, pulling him in for a kiss as they ride out their orgasms.

When Will inevitably pulls out, he keens from overstimulation, collapsing beside him despite the mess - being drunk does that.

Alex, keeping his eyes shut and one hand still clinging to the skin of Will's shoulder, he blindly pats around for his tissues. He grabs a few, giving them to Will so he can clean off his hand.

He doesn't wanna let go of the feeling - having him, so close, arm now wrapped around his waist. It was too good to be true.

"Alex," Will mumbles against his hair, "This is probably the alcohol talking, but this didn't mean nothing to me."

Alex forces his eyes open, but the room is dark and he can't see much, "Wha'ya mean?"

Will exhales through his nose, fingers twitching at Alex's hips, "Too hammered to talk about it, but I fancy you mate."

Alex feels it in his chest, a mix of happiness and utter fear. He feels like he's being torn apart from the inside, thoughts racing a mile a minute.

He tries to think of some kinda response, but Will is softly snoring and his breath is even, so the words die on his lips.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me know what you think!! comments/kudos are appreciated


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was everything soft and hard to understand. It was nothing and everything in between, the lines redrawn and reshaped with every touch, every whisper of a kind word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is purely self indulgent as i am a man who misses my boyfriend dearly
> 
> this actually made me really emotional to write, to be honest, and im kinda sad the next chapter will be the last to wrap all this up. thank you for reading, i genuinely only kept writing because of your kind words and kudos, so thank you x

Alex wakes up to a few things that were unusual on a normal sunday morning; for one, his head was resting on a chest, a chest that was ever so softly rising and falling, almost like there was a fear too much movement would wake him.

A hand was resting on one of his shoulders, tentative fingers rubbing circles over his bare skin.

Memories hit him like a truck - Will’s lips, Will’s hands, Will’s presence, _Will_. It’s overwhelming and Alex’s immediate want is to run, run so he never has to address sleeping with him and how it meant so so much more than just a one stand. So he didn’t have to admit just how scared he is knowing that Will likes him. Instead, he melts into the gentle touch of the other.

He takes in his smell, vanilla and strawberry, trying to memorize how it feels to be against his skin.

“Alex,” He hears softly from above him, hand laying flat on his shoulder and shaking him gently. Will’s voice is gravelly from having just woken up but Alex feels those fireworks in his chest all the same. He adjusts so he can see him, neck craning but still mostly on top of him.

“Morning,” He says a little awkwardly, “Do you want me to -”

“No,” Will mutters, “Can you just… Stay here for a little? If you wanna, I mean, M’ just comfy.”

“Yeah,” Alex breathes, sliding so he’s tucked into Will’s side, arm draped over his bare tummy and face tucked into his neck.

Will is quiet for a moment, making Alex wonder if he even remembered the words they’d shared, but before he can elaborate the taller speaks, “I meant it. Scares the bloody hell out of me but I definitely meant it. I fancy you.”

Alex feels all the coldness leave his body, replaced by burning flickers in his veins. “I fancy you, as well.”

Will smiles, eyes still closed, and he runs a hand through Alex’s hair, “We can talk about what we are later, now I just - I wanna stay here.”

Alex stays, despite all the worries that ripple down him, but he ignores them, focusing instead on the feeling of Will’s skin against his, warm and like a butterflies touch.

Thoughts crash through his brain; fears of getting back into a relationship, fears of dating a youtuber, fears of ruining the amazing relationship he’d developed with Will already.

But Will is brushing his fingers against his skin and he’s so warm that Alex feels himself slipping into consciousness.

They don’t talk about it, again. It’s pushed away in favor of prolonged eye-contact and soft smiles when their friends didn’t look.

Alex likes his like this, he thinks.

Even more than the sight of Will above him, face scrunched in pleasure, Alex thinks he looks beautiful like _this_.

His face is split in a grin, eyes wrenched shut and teeth on full display as he laughs. His hand is clutched to his chest, gripping at his shirt in an attempt to control his laughter.

He looks happy, comfortable in his joggers and oversized jumper, and he's oh so beautiful.

Alex feels a heat in his fingers, itching to reach out to what he sees before him and keep it locked away, etching it in his memory forever.

But he wills himself to forget, erasing the snapshot his mind created - but a haze of it remains in his mind as he tears his eyes away and trains his eyes on his own knees.

Rips in his jeans are present, exposing slivers of ivory skin - he really needs to tan more. The frays of the jeans remind him of trying to be more fashionable - thinking that was a way for him to channel his thoughts into clothing.

He’d been trying a lot lately to ween off cigarettes and not moving from his bed for days. It’s hard, though, because when he was thinking too much or not enough he’s fish for the pack is cigarettes in his jacket pocket.

James started taking his smoke breaks with him, excusing himself from FIFA or drinking to walk outside with Alex.

Sometimes he’d talk, other times he’d stay silent, just keeping him company.

“Had quite a few today,” James comments on his third trip outside that day. Alex a few weeks ago might’ve snapped at him, tell him to mind his own business, but his tone isn’t judgmental.

“Been thinking, is all,” Alex mumbles, slouching in the balcony chair. James looks at him, dark eyes twinkling with something along the lines of concern.

“Mate, pass it,” He says, reaching over and parting his fingers. Alex gives it to him, trying to swallow down the taste of tobacco so it didn’t linger on his teeth. “Bloody hate this brand.”

Alex smiles, pulling down his sleeves so they covered most of his hands, head lulling to rest on the back of the chair, “You don’t have to keep joining me, you know.”

James wasn’t a smoker, per say - enjoyed a cigarette at a party or in this case, to share something with his friend that seemed so far away.

“Care about you,” James shrugs, “Everyone else does too - and yeah, I know you hear that all the time so don’t give me that face - but we all have a different way of showing it. George is always there, Fraser makes you laugh, Will shags ye’.”

Alex sputters, fingers dancing over his lips as he points a look at him, “Shut up, bellend.”

James laughs, crinkles by his eyes a bit of a comfort. He passes the cigarette back as he exhales, looking onto the view below them.

“Do you ever get tired, James?” He asks, flicking the ash off the stick and watching it fling onto the balcony floor.

“Of what?”

“Everything,” Alex whispers, sweeping his feet so they’re bent under the chair, back starting to hurt from the scrunched position. “London.”

“What, you gonna fuck off to America again?” He asks, a little too much actual curiosity leaking from his joke.

“Nah, don’t think so to _live_ at least. Been wanting to visit Erling but that won’t be for too long, and not yet. I mean - I mean the _routine_. I like living in London, and no way in hell I’m moving back to America this year, learned my lesson.”

“Routines can be shite, I agree, but they can also be healthy,” James says, gesturing vaguely with his hand, “And London’s good for you. 2018 was incredible, Al, and this year's gonna be even better,” He reaches over, a solid but comforting hand on his shoulder, “I promise.”

Alex smiles, hair falling in his face as he nods, “Thank you, Marriott.”

“Now,” James grins, “We need to talk about you and mister WillNE.”

Alex groans, “No we don’t!”

James snickers, “C’mon, give me all the juicy details, don’t miss a single one!”

“We slept together once, James,” He admits, “And yeah, we like each other, but neither of us are doing shit about it.”

The taller keeps up his smile, nudging his arm with his knuckles, “Why not? If you both fancy each other there’s nothing stopping you!”

“Yeah, except for my crippling fear of abandonment and commitment!”

James shakes his head with a sigh, “ImAllexx, listen to me, you have nothing to be afraid of. Will wouldn’t hurt ya’, and if he did, I’d beat his arse - and I’m bigger than him, I am.”

Alex appreciates him, he really does. It’s a bit overwhelming, the support, but Alex puts out the burning stub of his cigarette as he stands, “Right, Well, gonna let me beat your ass in FIFA?”

“You _wish_.”

It gets easier. Slowly but surely, a new normal is written for Will and Alex, filled with seeing each other more and lazy makeouts when no one was around.

It was leaving when they knew the other needed space. It was Alex sliding his hand into Will’s on the tube, a squeeze of reassurance. It was Will ruffling his hair but his fingers lingering, eyes trained onto the others. It was Alex staying over longer than the others, but leaving with a gentle kiss of the lips when the sun threaten to come up.

It was everything soft and hard to understand. It was nothing and everything in between, the lines redrawn and reshaped with every touch, every whisper of a kind word.

It was Alex leaving for a cigarette and James nodding for Will to follow instead of himself, offering up the role of support in the instances he knew Alex could benefit from having Will by his side.

It was George no longer pushing for Alex to find a shag, or pointing out fit girls to Will during every outing.

It was Fraser quitting with the joking smiles and instead admiring the touches he so cleverly picked up on.

It was Alex’s fears getting easier to swallow and resolve. It was Will openly talking about a guy on T.V he thought to be pretty. It was an understanding that lay between them in a way neither could particularly describe - but it was _knowing_.

Will knocks on his bedroom door frame, hand dropping to rest in his pocket, “I’m heading out,” He says, “Filming with George went smoother than thought, so I’m head home to do a few cell meetings.”

Alex nods, pushing away from his desk in his wheely-chair and ushering him over. Will steps forward like he’s nervous, but Alex is tugging him down and kissing him and soon enough it’s like neither had a worry in the world.

Alex pulls back, feeling an ache of something deep in his chest something that mattered and it’s immense.

“See you,” He whispers, fingers trailing down his shirt and chest to drop in his lap. Will kisses his forehead, lips remaining for a few seconds before he gives him a gentle smile.

“Bye.”

He exits the room and Alex can hear the door shut quietly. He leans back in the chair, an audible sigh slipping through his lips. Happy. He feels happy.

It wasn’t just Will, he realizes. It was him regaining a passion he’d let dissipate, working harder on his videos and trying to reach out to his friends more. It was healthier patterns, a pack lasting him a week instead of two days.

The bad days hit harder, now, he thinks.

A shaky hand opens the pack he hadn’t touched in two days. It’s raining, pouring actually, and the overhead covering only gives him a little room to sit. His knees are pulled to his chest, drops softly hitting his toes as he lights the stick, wanting to bash his head through the wall.

George isn’t home, and if he wanted to, he could call up Will, or James, or Fraser - but he worries that seeing someone he loves will tear him up even more.

So he perseveres. He smokes that cigarette but doesn’t immediately go for another, going back inside to script out a video.

He’s okay, he thinks. He has people who love him, and slowly but surely he starts to believe he might be starting to love himself again.

People stop asking about what Alex and Will are eventually - but the twenty year old doesn’t miss the looks they exchange when Alex is cuddled against his side or they not-so-subtly hold hands under the table.

They respect the fact that they need time to figure it out on their own.

It’s late, maybe two a.m, when Alex starts to get antsy. His legs are tossed over Will’s lap who’s softly massaging his ankle as he reads something on his phone, leaning against the headboard. Alex’s shoulder is pressed into the wood as he leans forward, forehead hitting his shoulder.

“Somethin’ wrong, love?” Will asks, cheek nustling gently at Alex’s hair.

“M’ sad,” He answers quietly, lifting his head and pursing his lips outward, asking.

Will kisses him and smiles softly, “Wanna talk?”

Alex sighs dramatically, “How absurd is it that men aren’t allowed to have bloody emotions?”

Will laughs, discarding his phone next to him, “Elaborate?”

“I mean, Listen okay, story time. I was in primary school I think, and I was crying, y’know cause that happens when you’re sad or whatever,” He starts, “And you know what she told me?”

“What?” Will asks, knowing better than to not respond when Alex says that.

“She says, ‘he who cries will never be strong’ and I think that’s bullocks! I’m strong, I’m a man, so why aren't I allowed to cry!”

Will’s nodding like he understands but a smile is threatening to blossom on his face, leading Alex to protest with a ‘ _What_?’.

“Nothing, I just think you’re cute,” Will shrugs, sliding Alex over to be sat proper in his lap. “I like you.”

Alex huffs, feigning annoyance, “Stop being a melt, I’m ranting,” He protests, but he straddles him properly, arms rest around his neck. “I like you too.”

Will’s arms are locked around his waist, looking up at him like he holds the secrets to the universe - Alex feels small under his gaze, but powerful nonetheless.

“I love you,” He decides, lip pulled between his teeth, “Quite a bit.”

For the first time Alex feels like he’s absolutely sure of something when he replies, “I love you too.”

They smile, they kiss, they giggle softly against each others lips.

“About your rant,” Will speaks once they've laid down for bed, hands clasped between them as their faces are inches apart, “I say we revise what she said.”

“What are you on about?” He asks, bringing their hands up to absentmindedly brush his lips against Will’s knuckles.

“Instead of whatever garbage she said, how about we change it? ‘He who cries is strong’.”

Alex feels a sting in the corners of his eyes, “Stop,” He whispers, “Just c’mere and kiss me already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments/feedback are very much appreciated, kudos as well. love you!! xx

**Author's Note:**

> please leave a kudos or maybe comments if you want more and ill spead up the writing!! mwah!!


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